Pickle You, Cumquat!
5/15/08
Austin, Texas…the Capital of the great state of Texas - home to the University of Texas Longhorns and it’s also claims to be the live music capital of the world. Throw in a thriving technological industry, called Silicon Hills, five major Universities within close proximity, serious/official state business, a PREMIER party atmosphere, and sprinkle in enough homeless people and hippies to easily populate Vermont several times over – ironically whose slogan is, “Keep Austin Weird” – and you get an interesting mix of work & play. A true nirvana…where one can wistfully drink enough beer to sink a battleship while listening to their favorite garage band amidst the beautiful coeds and stuffy business types trying to close that big deal. God, I love this place.
Girl “Tomorrow we should go over to the Hilton and sneak in for some breakfast over there. I bet it’s much better than here.”
Guy “Yeah, but we will have a parking issue since that tattoo convention is going on. Did you remember to bring grandma’s handicap placard?”
Girl “YES! And don’t forget to tell room service to bring extra towels. Those would look good in our guest bathroom.”
That’s the first thing I heard when I bellied up to the bar at T.G.I. Fridays inside the Radisson beside this couple. But I didn’t need Scooby and the Gang to quickly figure them out.
Girl “Oh yeah, I want extra shampoos too. See if we can grab some.”
Guy “The soap looks cheap, we don’t need those.”
Girl “But they are free.”
Guy “Ok, I will grab a bunch from the cleaning cart in the morning.”
You gotta love it. Bonnie & Clyde here were planning the heists of the century and they were actually thrilled about it. Whatever…I basically didn’t care as long as they didn’t heist my ice cold, refreshing beer. And after a few pints of liquid sanity, I started to chat with the two fiends for the next hour or so about Austin & whatever else came to mind. It was very pleasant and engaging...kinda like a fireside chat with Oprah.
Girl “Do you recommend anything special to do around here?”
Me “Try the clubs in the warehouse district; I think the cover is minimal…if any.”
Guy “OH NO! We won’t pay cover! Do you know anyone that could sneak us in? Free passes? How about a bartender that could give us some free shots?”
Me “Are you guys Gypsy’s or something?”
Girl “No…why do you say that? My husband is a stock broker.”
I discovered that the husband worked for some boutique brokerage house in NY and the girl was a school teacher or something easily forgettable. Then Mother Teresa asked what I did.
Me “I am a motivational speaker.”
Guy “REALLY! How did you get into that?”
Me “I am a walking, talking Public Service Announcement. A long time ago, I made some mistakes, but eventually I found ‘sanity’ and went straight. Now I just want to help people be better.”
Guy “What types of mistakes.”
Me “I got mixed up in the drug business.”
Girl “You’re a lowlife criminal.”
Yup, this went over like a fart in church. I might as well have admitted to skinning puppies for pleasure and using their hydes as slippers by her reaction. Sure, I have found that people sometimes react funny to my life, which can be expected, but not usually this fervently. And as I got the ‘bitter face’ from both Thelma & Louise, I spent the next several minutes trying to explain things, but the dickheaded duo thought it was appropriate to chastise me for my past mistakes, LOUDLY! Maybe she was truly pissed, or maybe it was all the alcohol, but it was definitely annoying and about as pleasant as having your tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.
For the record, I am an EXTREMELY patient and ‘cool under the collar’ type of guy. I could have followed Moses through the barren desert for 40 years and probably my biggest bitch would have been about the sand in my shoes. I tend to take most trivial stuff in strides, but this was cutting into my visitation time with my fermented beverage. Enough is enough.
Me “I understand your position. You are entitled to your feelings. Let’s just agree to disagree. OK?”
Translation: Would you please STFU so that I can sit here and enjoy another Samuel Adams award winning creation in silence rather than having to listen to your ignorant pipes fill the air with the songs of the stupid. But they either didn’t get the hint or understand that I was trying to be classy and my silence just ramped up her barrage. So I did what all serious beer aficionado’s do…I carefully grabbed my precious beverage and moved over 3 stools while she continued to flap her cake hole. AND THIS JUST MADE HER LOUDER! She just kept going on and on and on and on and after about 15 minutes I decided that I had to come up with a plan.
…sigh…Now I have been in more high-pressure situations than a Navy Seal and I am thoroughly confident about my abilities to succeed in almost ANY situation, but c’mon, not tonight…I was tired. I tried to joke my way around her objections, I tried the good ole ‘acknowledge & change the subject’ tactic, I even offered to pick up their tab playing up to their bargain hunting sensibilities, but I was about as successful as Israel’s Ambassador to Iran. I didn’t agree with the witch – spelled with a capital B – but sometimes my opinion doesn’t matter. I was left with no choice…I had to nuke her.
Me “Look Honey, I have listened to both you and your husband literally plan how to rob Austin blind over the next few days. I have tried to be both gracious and understanding, but I think that you guys are petty criminals and cheap bastards to boot. You should be ashamed of yourselves, because you are no better than I am, YOU HYPOCRITES! I hope that you enjoy your time in Austin, but if you don’t BUZZ OFF and leave me alone….I am going to see how many of these sugars packets that I can stuff down your husband’s throat.”
I gave my VERY intimidating evil eye and they shut up, plus it helps that I am big guy. I guess they won’t be buying my book. Now I know that I shouldn’t have done that and I am somewhat embarrassed, but I have said it before and I will say it again, “When you argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” And I was getting beat on like a drum.
I guess the moral of the story is like that old biblical proverb about an adulteress who was sentenced to death by stoning where Jesus said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." Basically, don’t judge me, until you have judged yourself first! Can a brother get an AMEN!
Speaking of being judgmental, there are many people in this country that constantly steal or cheat their way through the system everyday, looking for any corner that they can cut. But just like when I was a drug dealer, the only person that they are hurting is themselves. For example, in Corporate Americana, some of their biggest problems are employee theft and we often hear about are the big fish that got caught doing really bad things. But in truth, the average, so called, good employee is actually hurting the company more with their daily petty thefts, because there are so many of them doing it…it adds up to BIG BUCKS over time. People think that it is OKAY to take home some office supplies or pad their expense account or even requisition stuff for personal use. They think that they are entitled to the extra benefits, but they aren’t…they are criminals too and they conveniently forget this simple fact.
Look, I am not taking a ‘shower of purity’ here and I don’t claim to be some great Saint that is going solve the problems of the world. I am just an ordinary guy who had some extraordinary problems and had the strength, willpower, & vision to overcome those problems. I basically just try to convey to other people that they have those EXACT same abilities and that they shouldn’t be afraid to try to use them. But motivation is a funny thing. We are constantly bombarded with messages of joy and goodwill by a multitude of mediums – TV, radio, internet, celebrities, etc. – but nothing truly happens until we decide to motivate ourselves. SURE, it’s easy to tell EVERYONE ELSE what to do, but to make things happens in our lives requires that we take an honest look at ourselves, which isn’t always pleasant. That’s why I open every speech with this:
Someone once said, “That sometimes, the best way to look at yourself is through the eyes of others…AND if you are lucky, you will like what you see!”
So before you take the time to judge others, first take a look at yourself. Then the question is: Do YOU like what you see? I sure wish that couple could have seen what I saw when I looked at them.