2+2=WTF?
6/21/08
It was hot, really freaking hot…Africa hot! It was around 8:30 pm last week (June), circa 105+ degrees, and I had just gotten done running 3 miles. It was so hot, that I half expected Satan himself to appear at any moment and declare victory on Earth, as I was contemplatively sitting on a park bench by the water fountain trying to cool down before I walked home. I thoroughly enjoyed running the trails on this park, because on some of the higher points on the trails, you could get a 360 degree view of the city and the sunsets were breathtaking. Save the occasional scorpion or tarantula and the ominous signs warning to stay away from the poisonous snakes, nothing exciting ever really happened out there. Complete with a recreation center, playground, baseball fields, soccer field and miles of walking/running trails, this was truly a great place to take the kids and spend some time, not to mention people watch.
As I was sitting contemplating some of the great mysteries of life; unified field theory, quantum physics, and why some women don’t understand that spandex is a privilege – not a right – I noticed a Toyota Prius parking beside an H2 Hummer. As he got out of his car, the Prius owners head looked like it was going to swivel off its ungainly, probably vegan created, perch as he did his best to publicly display his disdain for the supposed ecologically unfriendly monstrosity. I could hear the huffing and hawing from over 30 yards away, making me wonder if he was having either an asthma attack or a seizure. But I was wrong because Mr. Prius just stood there with his hands on his hips, doing his bobble-headed mime dance for an awkwardly long time. After the impromptu show was over, Prius let his two Labradors run amuck around the park and made his way towards me. As he parked his skinny hippy butt at a table near mine, a young muscular guy approached Prius and I was fortunate to be within earshot.
Young Guy “Is that your Prius? Those things are sweet.”
Prius “I love it.”
YG “I was thinking about getting one, but was confused about all the different driving styles…pulse, glide, regenerative braking. Plus I like to go offroading and it can’t do that.”
Prius “Well it sure is a helluva lot better on the environment than that Hummer that some asshole is using as an extension for his cock.”
YG “Uhhhh, that’s my Hummer.”
SNAP! Ok, now you got my attention! I was ready for a fight and I was kinda hoping that the Prius dude was going to get rolled up like a fajita, because I didn’t like his pompous attitude already.
Prius [this will forever be classic] “I am sorry about making fun of your penis, but don’t you care about the environment?”
I wish someone had taken a picture of either Hummer’s or my face, because the confusion present at that moment while trying to reconcile how having a penis is bad for the environment was beyond comprehension. And that idiotic question alone started Prius on a diatribe of even more stupidly crafted questions and rants. I was actually amazed at the poise of Hummer. He intelligently and articulately tried to not only answer all of the certifiably insane questions by Prius, he also tried to ask questions to better understand Prius’s position. Hummer seemed well educated and well spoken enough to mount a viable defense, but Hummer was never allowed to finish a sentence…he kept getting rudely interrupted by Prius.
In his defense of the purchase of his H2, Hummer even tried to point out the “Dust to Dust” study performed by CNW Marketing/Research where they asserted that the lifecycle energy use to manufacture and then probably dispose of the H2 at the end of its life is almost 40% less in cost than that of the Prius. This may very well be true because the chemicals in the batteries of the Prius, which must be replaced every 100,000 miles at the cost of $4,000, are extremely environmentally unfriendly. But Prius wasn’t going to hear any of that.
Prius “That’s bullshit, hokey, voodoo science, probably funded by Dick Cheney and Saudi Arabia and their Halliburton connections to keep the world sucking on the tit of middle eastern oil so that they can become rich from stock options and go on pedophile tours in Cambodia with all of their blood money.”
Just like Michael Jackson talking about his ‘innocent’ love of children, I couldn’t believe that Prius said that crazy talk with a straight face. To me it looked like Hummer was trying to have a conversation, while Prius just wanted to lecture him. I am not a judgmental person, but Prius was rude, condescending, closed-minded, provincial, and just an all around douche bag. Honestly, I had had enough and I was just an eavesdropper. I was about to quietly leave when Hummer said this.
Hummer “Hey, its been great talking to you, I gotta go. By the way, are those your dogs pooping in the park? I hope you go clean it up or else I am gonna have to report you. You know what, I want to see you pick up every piece of poop at this end of the park too. You just berated me about being a citizen of the world, well lets see you be a citizen of this park.”
Prius “Are you serious?”
Hummer “I am as serious an overflowing toilet. Now DO it!”
I didn’t stick around long enough to see final result, but I had a good giggle fit as I left. This story reminded me of a time that I met some fellow drug runners near Memphis, Tennessee to do an exchange. I had about 200lbs of imported Mexican herb for them and they had about $75,000 for me. We met in the parking garage of a local Casino in Tunica, Mississippi (about 20 minutes from Memphis) and quickly did the exchange. I was in a rental car, but these cats pulled up in one of the most ridiculous displays of Confederate redneck admiration I’ve ever seen. Imagine a red, lifted Chevy 4x4, topped with Confederate flag license plates and a tailgate with a airbrushed Confederate flag. The mud flaps had chrome lettering that said, “Southern Born & Southern Proud.” But you see, the ironic part was that the guys hiding behind the black tinted windows weren’t inbreeding, Skoal dipping, toothless country boys – it was my connection – two brotha’s from the hood. When they pulled up, I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically.
Brotha “Yo, why you laughin at my ride?”
Me “Well….uhhhhhh…uhhhhhh.”
Brotha [interrupts me] “I’m just f@#king with you man. I needed something to drive that these pig ass cops around here wouldn’t profile. Only the stupid niggas that drive their Caddies get harassed around here. I’m careful how I picks what I be frontin and that’s why I ain’t sittin in no jail. ”
Ingenious. Indeed.
I guess the moral of the story is that prejudice comes in all forms, not just racial. HOPEFULLY, we have all been taught, not to judge a man, oops…person by the color of their skin – so why can’t we be taught to not judge a person by their possessions? Or many other stupid things for that matter? But unfortunately – because their own head has been inserted so far up their own ass – some people desperately need to have a window surgically put in their stomach so that they can see what in the hell they’re doing. Whatever happened to the ability of people being able to be open minded? Listen politely? Or the ability to actually be able to talk rationally to each other about any given subject? Or think? Now we just live in a society of prejudices and classifications where people only know how to talk over and at each other, not with each other.
What really baffles me is the lack of use of any form of normal common sense in the course of everyday life. Is it really that difficult to approach a situation/problem – BIG or small – from a logical approach? Apparently if it isn’t about money or orgasms the average citizen doesn’t pay attention. I have actually been at a gas station and informed the cashier that the price on an item (a soda) was incorrect when she rang it up and got a blank stare, an apology, but a refusal to ring up the correct price. I had to explain in horrific detail that if their sign says $3.77 for a gallon of gas, then that’s what they have to charge…not $5.00. I then asked her why her sodas were priced differently and it was Déjà vu all over again – a stare as blank as dead cell phone. But when I told the same cashier that she had the body of brick outhouse, she lit up like a Clark Griswald Christmas tree. On a side note, my favorite look is when you buy a couple of items – like $2.53 in miscellaneous whatever – and then ask for the difference of $37.47 to be put in as gas while you hand them two twenties. They look at you with complete admiration and astonishment like you were David Blaine making cards shoot out of your ears.
But in the end, Ladies & Gentlemen, we have spent our lifetimes learning how to identify racial prejudices, but are blind to socio-economic or political or environmental or educational prejudices. And now we are in an election year, where we are going to be lied to and manipulated and demeaned and threatened and frightened by people from both sides of the aisle. They are going to use all of these tactics to convince us to vote for them, but it’s just flat out wrong. You would never hear a politician say, “Don’t vote for that jerk because he is a [insert prejudicial slur here].” So why is it ok to do it with other things? Look, listen, learn, & think really hard before you make a decision...its time you got your head out of your ass, because your vote counts. God save us all.