You're Gonna Get Scalped, Cowboy!
4/28/08
Wal-Mart – easily, the most interesting place on earth. Where on earth could you buy groceries, tires, refill a prescription, do some banking, rent a movie, get your vision checked, take a family portrait, and have your nails done while eating McDonalds…all under one roof? It’s a multi-tasker’s nirvana! Variety is the spice of life, but what’s even more interesting is the variety of people that shop at Wal-Mart. For fear of getting labeled anything prejudicial, I will just say that Wal-Mart shoppers are like a box of chocolates, “You never know what you’re gonna get!”
With that said, I was at my favorite volume discounter today. I had a craving for one of their bakery fresh cinnamon rolls and decided to break my strict diet of ‘see food’ and go eat one of their delicious delicacies. So while hiding in shame in my Jeep, craming my face with an orgasmic combination of calories and sticky goodness, because I couldn’t do this at home without catching grief, I spied a situation unfolding before my very satisfied eyes. In one of the ever busy crosswalks parked in waiting was a full size, quad cab, Ford pickup waiting for a passenger…blocking both pedestrians and traffic on either side. And anyone that had the unfortunate timing to encounter this thoughtful ‘parker/waiter’ was not pleased to say the least.
Well, I couldn’t resist, I had to get a closer look. As I walked towards the offender, I wondered if there was another possibility for his rudeness, such as a medical emergency or if this guy was the getaway driver for a heist in progress. But alas, it was just another inconsiderate asshole waiting for someone to come out of Wally World…and as I got closer I saw something remarkable…AN AMERICAN INDIAN! Oh my god, a real native – you don’t see those everyday! A quick and careful examination of his modern steed revealed that this person was a veteran, per his license plates, hat, & window stickers, and older than dirt per his face. This guy could have helped Moses navigate back to the Promised Land and his parking ability might explain a few things to biblical scholars too.
Now for fear of offending an old-timer and getting hexed so that I could never win at an Indian Casino again, I decided to handle this situation with great tact.
Me “Hello there.” [tapping gently on the window with a big smile on my face]
Indian “UH” [after using the magic button of the gods, common referred to as a power window]
Me “I come in peace.”
Now at this point, I looked inside and saw the patently blank stare that one would expect from someone foreign (a stranger you racist).
Me “This is a nice truck. Man, I would love to have a nice truck like this. Is it 2wd or 4wd? Have you ever taken it offroad? Where did you buy it? I bet you could carry a buffalo in this thing? JUST KIDDING! So are you really an Indian or do you just portray one? What’s your name? I wouldn’t normally ask, but I bet it’s really cool.”
Indian “UH?”
Me “Ok, I can’t help myself…have you seen the movie, ‘The Doors’? Is it possible for an old Indian to put his soul in someone when he is dying? Is it? Huh, huh, huh?
I was about to pee myself. Here I was quickly rambling off a bunch of stupid questions to a truck full of inconsiderate retards that parked in the middle of the pedestrian walk, outside a doorway, in front of a busy Wal-Mart, blocking both pedestrian & vehicular traffic in ALL DIRECTIONS! And all I could get out of him/them was a blank stare and an “UH.” Now I am sure that he could speak in multi-syllabic words, but I had him just as flabbergasted as the hundreds of people that had the unfortunate luck to encounter him.
Me “So whatcha waiting on? I am here looking for love. Yup, yessirree…I know I will find her here, she just doesn’t know it yet!”
Indian “Can I help you?”
Me “OH MY GOD, you have a dream catcher on your rear view mirror! Do those really catch dreams? Do I have to sleep in the truck?”
Indian “We have to leave.”
Me “Me too.”
So I walked back to my Jeep as the ‘tribe’ found a parking spot FAR away from me. Now some of you are wondering why I chose that tact and why I didn’t explain to Tonto (the name of Zorro’s Indian companion, which translated into Spanish = dumb) that he was an inconsiderate prick. Well truth be told, I would have LOVED to argue with him, but anyone that dumb is just gonna argue back. And anything I said would have been labeled as racist by them. I could just hear them attacking my ‘whiteness’ now, while using his past service to our country as way to patronize me. So why stoop to that level. I could see all the angles and how this was gonna play out, so I choose to play the crazy card, which was ingenious on my part (patting myself on the back). We all could get a laugh and it would accomplish the same goal.
I guess that there are TWO morals to this story:
MORAL ONE – DON’T BE AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!
Everyday I see people that are a bunch of busy, self-important, inconsiderate a-holios running around, living their daily lives with little or no consideration for other people around them. I see people that are driving, talking on the celly, trying to eat a sandwich, and program the radio, while either blocking an intersection or cutting someone off or blocking all the gas pumps or hogging the left lane on the interstate or whatever. How about the person that won’t hold a door open for you or that person in line at the checkout that makes everyone wait while they run to the back of the store to get a different bag of pretzels? What about the people that walk through the middle of a lane in a parking lot, not letting traffic drive around them? I love the guy that goes to Starbucks and order 10 drinks from the drive through, clogging the whole line for a half hour. How about that person too busy to clean up after themselves? Countless books have been written about pet peeves. But all of them are rooted in unmitigated selfishness & ignorance.
STOP! Take a break from your pathetic little world and take a look around. Pay attention to how your actions affect others. Kiss simple.
MORAL TWO – BE A LITTLE BIT MORE CREATIVE WHEN SOLVING A PROBLEM!
It hurts being this smart, but I don’t have to be a genius to say that people are as predictable as a Catholic Mass. For almost any situation there is a standard response. And the standard response to this type of situation usually involves an argument, for which I am honestly surprised that someone didn’t instigate one long before I got involved. In fact, the standard response for almost any problem today is to start yelling…how productive.
Sure, I could have politely told the guy that he was blocking, LIFE! But if he had understood that fact, he wouldn’t have done his stupid shit to begin with. Most likely any response from him would have included hostility and that would have killed my sugar high.
There is more than one way to skin the proverbial cat. While I don’t condone any type of violent behavior towards friendly felines, I do condone being creative. Think about that next time you are faced with a ‘situation’. I managed to get Chief Rude Bear to move his car and did it with a smile on everyone’s face. They laughed at me, and I laughed at them, but I get last laugh here…